“Everybody talks about the weather,
but nobody does anything about it.”
A quote attributed to the famous author, Mark Twain.
Recently, I was at a local gas station on a morning when the temperature was a bit balmy – for Siberia – when I overheard one man say to another, “Cold enough for ya?” To which the other replied something about a brass monkey. It occurred to me that Mark Twain was right; we New Englanders are always focused on the weather, which humorist and journalist, Kin Hubbard, pointed out is a good thing, for “nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.”
I suppose people have been using the “cold enough for ya?” greeting since the last Ice Age. As to “brass monkeys,” (for those who don’t know), is a commonly believed term that refers to a brass platform used on early naval vessels that are designed to hold iron cannon balls in a stack within easy reach of the cannon, should hostilities suddenly arise. It’s alleged that in extremely cold weather, the brass would contract to a point where the cannon balls would fall off and roll around the deck. Thus, it was said to be, “cold enough to freeze the cannon balls off a brass monkey,” or words to that effect. However, many historians believe this to be a myth, arguing that no Navy would utilize something that would allow for live cannon balls to roll around a pitching deck. True or not, the phrase seems to get a lot of usage.
Keeping with the weather-metaphor theme, it appears there are an infinite number of responses to the timeless open-ended question, “How cold is it?”, which can elicit both literal and figurative responses, with the latter being more fun.
A literal answer involves simple facts. “It’s twelve degrees, with a wind chill of minus ten,” which I think we can all agree is a bit chilly.
A more colorful response might be:
so cold hitchhikers are holding pictures of their thumbs;
so cold that shivering counts as exercise;
so cold I chipped a tooth…on my soup;
so cold I had to break the smoke off my chimney;
so cold that donut shops are serving coffee on a stick; or
so cold we pulled everything out of the freezer and crawled inside to keep warm.
And to borrow another quote attributed to Mark Twain, “Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death!”
New expressions are being invented all the time. Perhaps, one day there will be a Star Trek episode where Scottie will say to Captain Kirk, “It’s cold enough to freeze the dilithium crystals off a warp drive.”
Of course, “cold” is a relative term. In autumn, after a hot summer, we think 50-degree weather is cold, but by spring, after a long tough winter, we’re ready to start dancing in the streets in tee-shirts, when the temperature gets that high.
And people have ways of describing the range of outdoor temperatures without using specific numbers.
For example:
“It’s sweater weather.”
“It’s jacket weather.”
“It’s coat weather.”
“It’s heavy coat and sweater weather.”
“I’m moving to Florida weather!”
And to those lucky enough to spend the winter in Florida, why do some of you insist on calling during a blizzard to ask, “So, how’s the weather up there?”
Yet, some embrace winter’s temperatures, such as skiers, snow-mobilers, ice fishermen, heating oil vendors, and those who enjoy partaking in “polar bear plunges.”
“C’mon in, the water’s fine!”
Sure, in Bermuda!
New Englanders are generally well prepared for winter weather, but one wouldn’t know it by watching the nightly news before a big snowstorm. The obligatory footage of milk and bread flying off store shelves like it’s the end of civilization as we know it, followed by people scrambling to buy everything from rock salt to snow blowers. dominates the first few minutes of the broadcast.
And, sometimes weather forecasters hint that the upcoming storm might be “one for the record books.”
Snowzilla!
Snowmagedden!
Franken-storm!
OMG! Dude, ruuuun!
While the storm is raging, live broadcasts are done from remote locations. with reporters standing in the middle of it all, telling us it’s snowing.
No Kidding.
Yet, we can be optimistic, for there’s another quote attributed to Mark Twain that goes, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.”
For those who don’t like the cold, take heart, for summer weather will return.
There will likely be at least one “heat wave,” during which someone will no doubt ask, “Hot enough for ya?”
At least none of us will have to shovel a single drop of sunshine.
